April 29, 2011 By 11 CommentsThis week’s post is from dating blogger Tinzley Bradford. Tinzley shares her tips to help you decide if you can rekindle a relationship with your ex. It can be tempting to reunite with someone from your past. There’s the opportunity to bypass that “getting to know you” stage of dating plus there are all those things that attracted you in the first place. Don’t get so caught walking down memory lane that you forget why you broke up. Here is Tinzley’s advice to help you decide if love can work the second time around:
You are looking for love and you want a boyfriend, so you start dating your ex again. I can understand why you would want to date him again, so I’m not going to pound you for this decision. Maybe there were some qualities that stood out about him from when the two of you were together. Those qualities may have started to look so good to you that you decided to see if the two of you could rekindle those old feelings. So now that you find yourself dating him again, how do you decide if you can make it work or if you’ve put yourself on a path that is heading straight for another break up? I have come up with a few questions that you need to ask yourself to help you understand if you are making the right decision.
Is the hurt from the last time you dated truly in the past?Do your conversations turn into a blame game? Do you continually bring up old news instead of looking and moving towards the future. If you find that either one of you is doing these things, the odds are that this will continue to happen and it will not go away unless you unless you both address it. You need to talk about these issues from the past and find a way to put them in the past for good it you are going to have a healthy relationship this time around. If you can’t do this, then you’re headed straight for another break up.
What caused the break up in the first place?Was there any physical or emotional abuse? Whether it was caused by you or him, any type of abuse means that the relationship is toxic for both of you. No one should return to an abusive ex, no matter how much you want to believe that they have changed. Old habits die hard, and even if the person has sought counseling it is better that both get a fresh start.
What has changed that makes dating him again worth the effort?Even if the reasons for your break up were not drastic like abuse or constant fighting, they were still enough to cause a break up. Are these factors still present? If the man that made you crazy by never calling has been showing a whole new level of considerate behavior, then perhaps this is no longer a barrier. One the other hand, if those break up factors still exist, the only way that you will be able to overcome them is if you have changed in a manner that makes you feel that these items are no longer a deal breaker for you.
Do you mostly like him as a friend rather than a lover?If you answered yes, then this reuniting is just an act of loneliness or pure desperation. There is no point in dating him again if your primary motivation is loneliness. You may want consider having a friendship with him if you miss his company as a friend, but it can be tricky to prevent a friendship with an ex from becoming a “friend with benefits” situation.
How does the relationship feel now?Is dating your ex as fulfilling as you had hoped? Are you as happy as you would expect to be with any person that you are dating? Does he seem truly happy that the two of you are a couple again? You need to really think about these questions. Too many times people want something so badly that they ignore the signs that a relationship just isn’t working. So, at your gut level, how do you feel?
So there are the questions that you need to ask and answer honestly in order to decide if dating your ex again is really the right decision. I have personally tried taking back an ex because I saw potential in this person. I felt he may have realized that he had lost a good woman and that he was determined not to let her go this time around. This guy had a bad habit of not calling when he said he would, and not spending enough time with me. We didn’t have much in common, but when we were with each other we had a great time. He knew how to make me laugh and he had a great sense of humor.
I figured, that maybe there was enough there to date again and work out our differences. I told him which issues bothered me and he told me what problems he was having with me. I thought we could reconcile and solve our problems from the past. Let me say that this was many months ago and Tinzley is still a single woman. I had to admit that he had not changed and this time around I knew better than to try to change him.
What do you think? Can you related to Tinzley’s experience with dating an ex? Please share your thoughts in the comments section. Check out what others are saying below!