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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Can a Relationship With an Ex Work the Second Time Around?

I wanted to re-post this article on my personal blog because the discussion is very interesting.  I have shared some of the comments going on below and would love for you to share yours. So far it seems the majority just don't think a relationship can work the second time around. Take a look a this post and please share your views.

This week’s post is from dating blogger Tinzley Bradford.  Tinzley shares her tips to help you decide if you can rekindle a relationship with your ex.  It can be tempting  to reunite with someone from your past.  There’s the opportunity to bypass that “getting to know you” stage of dating plus there are all those things that attracted you in the first place. Don’t get so caught walking down memory lane that you forget why you broke up.  Here is Tinzley’s advice to help you decide if love can work the second time around:

You are looking for love and you want a boyfriend, so you start dating your ex again. I can understand why you would want to date him again, so I’m not going to pound you for this decision.  Maybe there were some qualities that stood out about him from when the two of you were together.  Those qualities may have started to look so good to you that you decided to see if the two of you could rekindle those old feelings. So now that you find yourself dating him again, how do you decide if you can make it work or if you’ve put yourself on a path that is heading straight for another break up? I have come up with a few questions that you need to ask yourself  to help you understand if you are making the right decision.

Is the hurt from the last time you dated truly in the past?

Do your conversations turn into a blame game? Do you continually bring up old news instead of looking and moving towards the future. If you find that either one of you is doing these things, the odds are that this will continue to happen and it will not go away unless you unless you both address it. You need to talk about these issues from the past and find a way to put them in the past for good it you are going to have a healthy relationship this time around. If you can’t do this, then you’re headed straight for another break up.

What caused the break up in the first place?

Was there any physical or emotional abuse? Whether it was caused by you or him, any type of abuse means that the relationship is toxic for both of you. No one should return to an abusive ex, no matter how much you want to believe that they have changed. Old habits die hard, and even if the person has sought counseling it is better that both get a fresh start.

What has changed that makes dating him again worth the effort?

Even if the reasons for your break up were not drastic like abuse or constant fighting, they were still enough to cause a break up. Are these factors still present? If the man that made you crazy by never calling has been showing a whole new level of considerate behavior, then perhaps this is no longer a barrier. One the other hand, if those break up factors still exist, the only way that you will be able to overcome them is if you have changed in a manner that makes you feel that these items are no longer a deal breaker for you.

Do you mostly like him as a friend rather than a lover?

If you answered yes, then this reuniting is just an act of loneliness or pure desperation. There is no point in dating him again if your primary motivation is loneliness. You may want consider having a friendship with him if you miss his company as a friend, but it can be tricky to prevent a friendship with an ex from becoming a “friend with benefits” situation.

How does the relationship feel now?

Is dating your ex as fulfilling as you had hoped? Are you as happy as you would expect to be with any person that you are dating? Does he seem truly happy that the two of you are a couple again? You need to really think about these questions. Too many times people want something so badly that they ignore the signs that a relationship just isn’t working. So, at your gut level, how do you feel?
So there are the questions that you need to ask and answer honestly in order to decide if dating your ex again is really the right decision. I have personally tried taking back an ex because I saw potential in this person. I felt he may have realized that he had lost a good woman and that he was determined not to let her go this time around. This guy had a bad habit of not calling when he said he would, and not spending enough time with me. We didn’t have much in common, but when we were with each other we had a great time. He knew how to make me laugh and he had a great sense of humor.
I figured, that maybe there was enough there to date again and work out our differences. I told him which issues bothered me and he told me what problems he was having with me. I thought we could reconcile and solve our problems from the past. Let me say that this was many months ago and Tinzley is still a single woman. I had to admit that he had not changed and this time around I knew better than to try to change him.
What do you think? Can you related to Tinzley’s experience with dating an ex?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section. Check out what others are saying below!

16 comments:

bingkaycoy said...

In a past relationship, I tried to reconcile with an ex-bf. We did but it wasn’t healthy anymore. I got so paranoid and it drove him crazy. I was so scared he’d do it again—he’d cheat on me again because I lost my trust. I loved him then but I didn’t trust him because of what he did in the past . Reconciling and patching up differences didn’t work for us, so we parted ways again.
bingkaycoy´s last blog ..THE GAMES AMERICANS PLAY

tinzley said...

Bingkaycoy, You said something very important here. You were scared he’d do it again and we all know that experience is always the best teacher. We are many times our best when we’ve not been varnished and it’s a lot easier to trust; but when that benefit has been abused at our expense our main concern is to NEVER let it happen again . The key here is knowing this and finding that place of peace where you are okay with what worked and what didn’t work and able to move forward. I’m happy you both saw it wasn’t working and parted ways. Now the “what if “question has been answered.

Chris said...

Chris says:
May 5, 2011 at 5:21 am

"I however would like to ask something. I just recently found out that my ex found a new spark with her ex whilst we were in a relationship. She will not admit it, but when he entered her life again after 3years, my and her relationship just started showing not so easy signs… If you undestand! Now I hear she started really connecting just two week after we broke up. I know that in the past he left her! She told me that he sometimes just started fondling with her even when she was not in the mood and he also just wanted to have sex, at the end there was just nothing between them anymore. She also told me that he tried to change her! They were in a relationship for about 2 and half years. Shortly after their break up he started dating a 14 year old whilst he was 19! My ex is also known to have depression moments which she had with him and myself. She has a low self image as well! Now my question is to anyone with experience in this field. Will it actually work again if its a fact the she hasnt matured yet and im not too sure whether he is 100% for getting back together again? I also know that she’s also a quite lonely person on the inside, she cant handle conflict and she can handle influence i.e. from her mother. Who, i believe, encouraged my ex to go back to her ex. Her mom apparently compared us at some pointing time! Looking forward to your response…"

Tinzley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tinzley said...

Tinzley says:
May 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Chris, this is definitely a self esteem issue and will be a difficult pattern to break. I personally don’t see where there will every be any real joy I’m this roller coaster relationship your ex is dealing with. Curious to know, if she came back to you would you accept her? I’d suggest she seek counseling and you not get yourself caught up in this love hate relationship she is in. Keep in mind, she couldn’t truly be happy. I know it can feel like you’re turning your back on her but this is not the case, you just know the true meaning of love and her behavior is not love. Thanks hope this sheds some light.

Country Girl said...

Country Girl says:
May 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm

It sounds like she has huge self esteem issues and she probably tolerates very bad treatment from her ex because that is what she feels she deserves. Until she feels better about herself she is likely to continue to keep going back to this ex not because she has strong feelings for the ex, but just because she thinks this is the treatment that she deserves. You should encourage her to see a counselor.
Country Girl´s last blog ..Should I continue to waitMy ComLuv Profile

Chris said...

Chris says:
May 6, 2011 at 12:59 am

Dear Tinzley,

"Thank you very much for your response! I have a saying; A person with a reflective surface needs to be properly handled and understood. They reflect who you are because they don’t know who they are!. And this is how I see her at the moment. Just because to one person she will say one thing and to the other person another thing! I can see on twitter and facebook when she chats to other “guy friends” how she forms herself as whom they are. Does it make sense?

When we broke up she had millions of reasons (she broke up with me when there were sudden problems within our relationship), and lately the reason she is sticking with is that my strong personality pushed her down and she felt suppressed! She said that she is enjoying herself more now and is happy again. Do you think that’s true? I took that hard since I felt I was always open with her that she can still go out with friends and enjoy her life. The other thing is, why didn’t she mention this whilst we were in a relationship?

When I met her she got back from school (teacher), slept the afternoon and made her food for the next day. That was her routine. She had the odd social life. Al though I know she’s very spontaneous (that’s what I love about her), she started growing up and most of her friends is still studying and wants to party all the time! She is 21yrs old btw. I started taking her out, I spoiled her, I supported her with her school activities and books, I gave her the tools for a bit more stable life and I had dreams for her and wanted to work with her on those dreams. She wants a school one day, so I told her a school you will have one day, but now you have to focus on your studies so that you can be ready that day when you have it. In fact, I was busy looking at partnerships for school that can be bought. In the process I also made available a fund to support her studies since her parents failed on a couple of occasions to come up with the money for her studies.

To answer your question Tinzley, No I do not think I will take her back again. Because when I needed her the most in terms of support and when everyone was turning against me i.e. her mom. She didn’t stand up for me as I would’ve done if my mother was on her case. I also felt that if she can’t stand up for herself how can she stand up for somebody else?"

tinzley said...

Tinzley says:
May 7, 2011 at 10:09 am

You deserve respect, love and balance. It’s definitely not here and I know it will take time to get past this but even pain and hurt doesn’t last forever. One thing you can focus on is not worrying from this point on how good or bad things are going for her and constantly watching her twitter feed will only make you more frustrated. You should just focus on yourself, your faith, family and friends and all the great things they all stand for. This will help you move on. :)

Anonymous said...

Tinzley,

Do you have an email you can be reached at? I have a (slightly complicated) situation i'd like your advice with.

tinzley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hi Tinzley,
I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago. I moved out of our place together and am now renting a place with a flatmate. Our relationship together was very turbulent. We used to argue a lot, wether it was my distance to work (about 1.5hours each way) to the cats meowing. I asked my gf if we could move closer and compromise on location (I moved to be with her). She didn't want to move closer.
There was a lot of shouting, verbal abuse and some physical abuse too.
Not long after I moved, I met an amazing girl who is just so different from the ex. We laugh together, she is so patient, non argumentative, easy going and positive.
At first I thought she was my rebound, but now she calls me her bf.
Only recently my ex has come back into my life. Neither of the girls knows about the other. I'm feeling sickly bad for both the girls, I'm talking and kissing my ex, im hopong we both can change for the better, but on the flip side I have an amazing new girl that I am sexually active with and that is just so nice - too nice, I'm just not used to it.
Even though my ex had a temper and suffered from depression, I still miss her and like being with her. When things were good they were great! But when they weren't, they were terrible. I don't know why I want my ex back (as it was me who broke up with her because of the constant arguing).
I feel so lost. My head hurts from too much thinking and cheating on my part.
I feel sorry for my ex too. She has no one here as all her family is in the UK.
I need some good advice and help, wbat would you suggest?

Anonymous said...

sorry about that.me and my ex recently rekindled our love for each other.its another opoortunity we got after a year.ive learned to open my heart again.

Anonymous said...

Wow...a lot of insight here...I do need some good advice...

Paul Tamale said...

I have a question. I was with my girlfriend for 8 months and she was faithful all the time except sometimes when I used to check her phone only to find out that she was talking to her ex boyfriend who dropped her more than 3times.She is the type of girl who gets into relationships and then go back to her ex. She left me for him and she said she felt complete when she was with him. Is this relationship gonna work out with her and her ex boyfriend?

tinzley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tinzley said...

Hello Paul, thanks for reaching out to me.

I hate to see you being treated like a yo-yo going up and down! If she's telling you he completes her then she obviously doesn't value what you two have and if he's already dumped her before, chances are he'll keep on dumping her.
Here's the thing, you shouldn't keep being readily available each time she wants to come running back.

She needs to either commit to you or you need to be completely done with her. You are more than just a rebound guy.

If you care a lot for her it may be hard but Paul you need to just kiss and say goodbye!!

Good luck !

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