I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. He has been in a relationship with his kids mother for more than 7 years. It's funny but for the past seven years, when I ask him if he is still in a relationship; he responds saying," Something like that." Each time I ask him what does that mean? You're either in a relationship or you're not. This brought back memories of a few conversations he and I have had over the years. I'd ask him why he's not happy in his relationship and he'd tell me things like, she doesn't want anything in life, she doesn't do anything, she has nothing going for herself and the list goes on and on with negative things against her.I'd always suggest he help her, suggest things that may motivate her, find out why she's the way she is.
This time, I also decided to come out and ask," Why are you still together?" I don't ask this because I want him, I don't ask this to be funny, I ask because I really want to know. He then says he decided to stay with her for the sake of their 3 kids. I had to know what that truly means. "For the sake of the kids?" Hmmm....
I asked him if he and his kids mom argue, he said yes all the time. I asked him if he and this woman display love and affection for each other, he said barely, they don't even share the same room. I asked if he loves her, he said yes, he just can't stand her. So finally I had to ask, "How is this unhealthy, negative, sad environment, that doesn't display love good for the kids? His answer, "convenience."
See he really doesn't want to be there,but the very thought of being away from his children doesn't sit well with him at all. He would rather stay in this relationship, which he's miserable in, than to let it go yet still be there for his kids. I can totally understand where he's coming from. I couldn't imagine suddenly moving away from my daughter whom I raised her entire life, just because I couldn't get along with her father.( But I'm single and he's never been in the picture anyway, so it's a bit different for me.)
He doesn't seem to feel that his kids mother could handle the kids by herself so he prefers to stay. The kids often witness the bitter relationship he and his kids mom have many times. This to me is not a good thing mentally and emotionally for the kids. There has to be a way that the two of them can still love and care for their kids in separate households and be able to show more of a positive relationship between the two of them. Often when children witness a negative household growing up, it could have a long term effect on them and the way they handle their relationships when they become adults.
If these two don't plan on working things out, getting married, and raising their kids in a healthy household, should they really be in the same household?
Do you think it's wise for couples who clearly despise each other and displays this in front of their kids, should stay together for the "sake of the kids?" Ask yourself how does this affect the kids?
Tinzley Bradford
2 comments:
This is one that is near and dear to me, because we get women posting on the site all the time who feel that it's best to stay together for the kids. They want so desperately to do what is right for their children.
We have also had many adult women that were raised in households like this and they have struggled with their own relationships, trying to understand what a healthy relationship should be like. After reading so many of their stories, I think that if you can't provide your child with a healthy example of what a relationship should look like, then there is no advantage to staying together for the children.
I would have to agree, it is a tough choice to make, but a bitter house hold isn't a good place for children to grow up, they will keep what they have learned with them for the rest of their lives.
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